Mother Mode

Becoming a new mom brings with it a lot of changes affecting everything: the phsyical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. (Hence all the posts about motherhood. I have a lot of stuff to write about and feelings to sort out!). Here are some of them.

Physical

• My feet grew bigger and now half of my shoes don't fit. On the one hand, I get to go shoe shopping. On the other, I have no money for shoe shopping and I really like the shoes I can't wear anymore.
• When I was pregnant, I didn't remember what it was like having a normal body. Now I can't remember what it was like to be pregnant.
• Nor do I remember what it feels like to get a full night's rest. And I thought it was bad when I was pregnant!
• All the bending, lifting, and sitting has tweaked my back. I need to see a chiropractor.

Mental

• My perspective of things has altered. Stories, events, and other things now have new meaning for me. For example, one day I thought about when King Herod ordered all male babies to be killed after Jesus was born and I started bawling and hugging Caden. I also thought how crazy it was that Hitler was once a cute little baby, pure and innocent.
• On a similar note, the words to Primary songs affect me more as well. I sing to Caden a lot--and end up crying a lot. One time I sang some Mother's Day songs and teared up at the thought of Caden one day singing those songs to me.

Emotional

• I am torn between wanting Caden to stay a tiny newborn forever and wanting him to hurry up and grow so we can do more stuff together. I need to remember to cherish each day and all the happiness it brings.
• I now totally understand two things my friend told me about. First of all, I am amazed at the amount of patience I have with Caden. It's true I have more patience with him than with other children. I didn't understand that before because I thought it takes more patience to be kind to other kids since you can't discipline them or upset their parents. Wrong! I always remember Caden is just a baby and nothing he does is his fault.
• Second, I understand a mother's need for moral support. I used to go to my friend's house all the time and help her with housework. She would always tell me to relax. I couldn't. I felt like I had to be doing something to help her when all she wanted was my company so she wasn't alone. My being there gave her the moral support to get through the day. I understood this need quickly after taking Caden home and hated when Justin would leave me alone for a long time. It's not even that I needed his help with Caden. I just felt better knowing he was there in case I did need him. Now he is working again, but having had him home for so many weeks helped me prepare for that.
• Everyone talks about motherly instincts kicking in, but I feel like I am still figuring things out. My instinct to love and care for Caden is certain; everything else is not. I feel very frustrated when I do not know what Caden wants and can't console him, or when Justin is able to comfort him after my efforts didn't work (aren't kids supposed to want their mama?). Also, I am still very selfish. I foolishly thought it would miraculously go away by virtue of being a mom, but no. I am working on it though.
• Yesterday Caden showed me he wanted me and it made me happy. I got a pump because we are traveling a lot soon for my brother-in-law's wedding. I tried it out yesterday since we were having dinner with some out-of-town relatives. Caden took the bottle at first and drank most of it, but later would not take it again and cried until he fell asleep in the car on the way home. Once home I nursed him for a long time. Although this makes me nervous for the upcoming trip, I am secretly happy he prefers me to the bottle.

Spiritual

• The spiritual aspects are connected to all the above. I definitely feel my responsibility to raise my baby to be a righteous priesthood holder, and it is sometimes intimidating. However, I also feel most certain and prepared for this change over all the others, perhaps because the gospel is so certain and unchanging, unlike the rest.

What were/are/will be your feelings about becoming a mother?

What's in a Name?

My mommy says she and Daddy debated over my name the whole time I was in her tummy and even after I came out. What for? They never use my name anyway! Daddy calls me Bugaboo. Mommy has a whole assortment of names for me. Apparently she likes to make up nicknames for people. Her old college buddies were The Melanator, The Hollister, The Kelsifier, and Karalicious. I also have an aunt named Francini-weanie-beanie. Mommy's names for me include Little Bugger, Cadenators, Mommy's Babies (uh, Mom, there's only one of me!), Little Stinkers, Stinkerbug, Snuggly Saurus, and other random one timers. Her favorite: Stinky McStinkers. She even sings this silly song about stinky poop when she changes my diaper. It's to the tune of "Frosty the Snowman," sometimes to "Mr. Grinch." Maybe one day I'll learn the real lyrics to the songs.

You will in a few months. Besides, you are a stinker. As noted on Facebook, yesterday I changed your diaper 5 times in one hour! Granted, 4 of them were only wet, but still. One little tinkle and you start crying!

Well, do you like sitting in something wet?

Why doesn't poop bother you? You could sleep in it all day without a second thought, unless you peed too, of course. Or if you still have more to come out. Then you wait until I just put a fresh diaper on and pbbb! you finish.

Yeah, well, do you like using a dirty toilet, Mommy? Didn't think so.

Good point. At least you don't hate having your diaper changed anymore. Now you're calm.

True. When Daddy changes my diaper he says something about Free Willy. What does a movie about a whale have to do with anything?

Haha, don't worry about it. It's the reason why we think you're so calm.

Oh. Anyway, can I finish? This was supposed to be my post.

Excuse me.

When I'm having a crying fit--red face, wide-open mouth, pumping fists, kicking legs--she calls me Babyzilla and makes me stomp around. And Daddy mimics my cry when I cry to confuse me. Talk about adding insult to injury! (Yes, I already have great command of the English language. After all, I am my mother's son. Except, Mommy talks to me in a goofy baby voice, pluralizing everything and using incorrect grammar. First she insults my feelings, then my intelligence. But it makes her happy, so I'll amuse her.)

Thanks. [Rolls eyes]

Daddy likes to hold me up in the air and call me Super Baby. I think it's really fun! I feel like I'm flying, like I'm on top of the world, which at my size is a rare feeling.

Well, you may not be on top of the world, but the world does revolve around you! At least, our world does.

I know. [Sigh of satisfaction] And Grandma's, as much as it can being so far away. Grandpa says she's always asking about "my baby" or "Juju" (short for Junior). I can't wait to see her again!

Now back to my main point. Why did you name me Caden anyway?

Daddy and I looked at baby names ever since we were married. Our favorites changed over the years. Once you were in my tummy, and especially when we found out you were a boy, we got serious about it. One day we found the name "Caden," Gaelic (Irish) for "little battle." And let me tell ya, it fits! You are stubborn, feisty, and determined like your mama when you want to be (sometimes you're laid back like your dad). One day you will be a great leader and warrior for the Lord.

Thanks, Mommy! I love you!

I love you too, Stinky McStinkers.

Nap Time

 The progression of our nap a week and half ago:

Cuddled together on the couch.

Caden rolls into me because the cushion is slanted.

Dreaming about nursing? (Can't get the photo to upload correctly!)

I move him so he can breathe.

He cuddles up to me again. :0)

I love cuddling with my baby! (By the way, I am not faking sleep as some people think in all our sleeping photos. Justin took these.)

Best Deal Ever!

I'm doing cloth diapering with Caden to save money. I don't mind it, but Caden goes through so many diapers and covers a day I have to do laundry all the time! We were going to go back to the store to buy more supplies to lessen the load. I didn't want to spend so much money again, so I thought to look at other sources first. I checked out etsy since that's where I bought pail liners and wet bags. I could only find AIOs and frilly covers for disposable diapers; I needed plastic covers. I tried craigslist and found a lot of different options. I contacted some people and got no reply. I tried one last listing, the most expensive and extensive, that was posted over a month ago: my favorite diapers and other accessories all for $100. The items were still available. Score! The only drawback was that I had to purchase everything. It was a great deal, but finances are tight. I talked to Justin and we decided to go for it. I haggled the price down to $90. Here's what I got:

• 12 Kissaluv diapers: I love these so much! They are soft, don't easily stain, and fit perfectly.
• 3 Bummis covers: I don't like them. It seems as if no matter how much I layer, Caden's pee always leaks through. I've discovered that using a Bum Genius insert with a prefold works best because the insert soaks up a lot. But I only have so many!
• 3 Bum Genius covers, inserts, and doublers: Love these! As noted, the inserts and doublers hold a lot. I use the diapers as covers instead of pocket diapers so I can reuse them since Caden goes through the Bummis covers like nothing. I used one Bum Genius for a whole day!
• Pail liner: Don't really like it, but who cares when it's just holding poopy diapers?
• Wet bag: Larger than the two I already have, so that's good. And it's cute!

And the best part is that only 4 diapers were used (no stains); the rest are all brand new! Seriously, best deal ever! The wife spent over $300 on everything. Her husband (the seller) was not happy when she decided cloth diapering was not for her. And I got it all for less than I spent on 6 plastic covers, 2 diapers, and 3 Snappis--on sale! I am so proud of my bargain shopping skills, haha.

After Birth

Once Caden was put on my chest, we established breastfeeding right away. He did the breast crawl to my right breast and opened his mouth. He didn't latch on by himself, so I helped him. Breastfeeding was a struggle. It hurt really badly, even when he latched on correctly. We had help from nurses, my doulas, and the lactation consultant. I started using a nipple shield a couple days later and we've been using it since then. Weaning him off it has been difficult. He fights me (even with it on, but not as much) until he remembers to suck and realizes milk is coming out. He is as stubborn as his mama!

Anyway, the Saturday he was born I was so tired I slept all day. Not soundly, of course. It was impossible to get more than 2 hours at a time--if even that much--due to all the interruptions from my nurses, Caden's nurses, doctors, meal deliveries, housecleaning, other staff, visitors (my doulas and my awesome home teacher and his wife), and loud neighbors. The meals were gross: I started with a liquid-only diet and was sick of jello by the end of the day. Once I could eat solids, the meals were slightly better.

Life in the hospital was b-o-r-i-n-g. All I did was nap, feed Caden (Justin changed his diapers), watch TV, and read the Ensign. Once I could walk without too much pain, we pushed Caden's bassinet around the hallway. I was so happy when Monday came and we could go home! Until the pediatrician said that Caden lost too much weight (9 percent; 10 is bad) and would need to stay another night for observation. I was sad we couldn't go home and I was worried about Caden. I was officially discharged but allowed to stay. They gave me my various meds and looked at my scar. The doctor removed the bandage, and let me just say that I am never getting anything down there waxed because that was bad enough! It happened again at my two-week checkup. Ouch. At least I had disposable stitches and glue.

Monday night was a miracle. It was as if Caden knew he had to pass a test the next day. He ate all night, even once for two hours straight with only a burp and a diaper break! They weighed him in the morning and he had gained an ounce, clearance for us to go home. He is now over seven pounds.

My mom arrived that morning and came home with us. Happy day! She stayed for almost a week and cooked meals for us. There wasn't much else for her to do since neither Justin nor I are in school or are working and we have no other children, so she got to relax, which she needed. It was great just having her there for moral support (everything's better when Mom is there) and to hold Caden so I could sleep.

As for his name, Caden wasn't officially named until that Monday. We thought we would know right upon seeing him, but he looked like both options: Caden Arthur or Michael Keichi. The middle names are after Justin's grandpa, Arthur Keichi (Arthur is also Justin's middle name). We always planned to name the baby after his great-grandpa, and good thing we did: he was born on his great-grandpa's birthday! We didn't even know until we called Justin's parents. How funny. After getting to know the baby after a few days, we decided he was definitely a Caden. It still wasn't my favorite name, but I knew it was right for him. It has since grown on me. I love my little Caden Arthur!