Physical
- My feet grew bigger and now half of my shoes don't fit. On the one hand, I get to go shoe shopping. On the other, I have no money for shoe shopping and I really like the shoes I can't wear anymore.
- When I was pregnant, I didn't remember what it was like having a normal body. Now I can't remember what it was like to be pregnant.
- Nor do I remember what it feels like to get a full night's rest. And I thought it was bad when I was pregnant!
- All the bending, lifting, and sitting has tweaked my back. I need to see a chiropractor.
- My perspective of things has altered. Stories, events, and other things now have new meaning for me. For example, one day I thought about when King Herod ordered all male babies to be killed after Jesus was born and I started bawling and hugging Caden. I also thought how crazy it was that Hitler was once a cute little baby, pure and innocent.
- On a similar note, the words to Primary songs affect me more as well. I sing to Caden a lot--and end up crying a lot. One time I sang some Mother's Day songs and teared up at the thought of Caden one day singing those songs to me.
- I am torn between wanting Caden to stay a tiny newborn forever and wanting him to hurry up and grow so we can do more stuff together. I need to remember to cherish each day and all the happiness it brings.
- I now totally understand two things my friend told me about. First of all, I am amazed at the amount of patience I have with Caden. It's true I have more patience with him than with other children. I didn't understand that before because I thought it takes more patience to be kind to other kids since you can't discipline them or upset their parents. Wrong! I always remember Caden is just a baby and nothing he does is his fault.
- Second, I understand a mother's need for moral support. I used to go to my friend's house all the time and help her with housework. She would always tell me to relax. I couldn't. I felt like I had to be doing something to help her when all she wanted was my company so she wasn't alone. My being there gave her the moral support to get through the day. I understood this need quickly after taking Caden home and hated when Justin would leave me alone for a long time. It's not even that I needed his help with Caden. I just felt better knowing he was there in case I did need him. Now he is working again, but having had him home for so many weeks helped me prepare for that.
- Everyone talks about motherly instincts kicking in, but I feel like I am still figuring things out. My instinct to love and care for Caden is certain; everything else is not. I feel very frustrated when I do not know what Caden wants and can't console him, or when Justin is able to comfort him after my efforts didn't work (aren't kids supposed to want their mama?). Also, I am still very selfish. I foolishly thought it would miraculously go away by virtue of being a mom, but no. I am working on it though.
- Yesterday Caden showed me he wanted me and it made me happy. I got a pump because we are traveling a lot soon for my brother-in-law's wedding. I tried it out yesterday since we were having dinner with some out-of-town relatives. Caden took the bottle at first and drank most of it, but later would not take it again and cried until he fell asleep in the car on the way home. Once home I nursed him for a long time. Although this makes me nervous for the upcoming trip, I am secretly happy he prefers me to the bottle.
- The spiritual aspects are connected to all the above. I definitely feel my responsibility to raise my baby to be a righteous priesthood holder, and it is sometimes intimidating. However, I also feel most certain and prepared for this change over all the others, perhaps because the gospel is so certain and unchanging, unlike the rest.
4 comments:
Totally know what you mean about motherly instincts. They are there - you just have to learn to trust them. That took me about two months. I think Collin was about 8 or 9 weeks old when I was like "No, I have this! I know what I need to do." and if what you think you need to do actually ends up not being it, you just keep trying until something works. I still do that even to this day. Mothering is a lot of guesswork and there is always something new to figure out. That's one thing I learned. Right when you get the hang of something, something new comes up. It always keeps you on your toes! :)
As far as my feelings about becoming a mother, I am always amazed at how much Collin knows already. Even when he was tiny I could just feel that he had a spirit that knew so much already. It makes me look at him and realize that he has so much he can actually teach me....not just me teaching him. And it reminds me that he is a great and noble spirit that I am in charge of helping to make it through this world and back home. It just intensifies my relationship with him in my opinion.
Physically, I was glad to be rid of ever-present heartburn, a basketball-sized stomach that always seemed to get in the way, and the constant peeing. I don't remember what it's like to be pregnant either, and Cate is only three months old! haha
Mentally I felt many of the same things you feel. My perspective of nearly everything has changed. I used to cry a lot too when I sung songs to a newborn Lizzie. I still cry when I sing them to Cate!
Emotionally, I agree with your #1: I want Cate to grow up faster so she and Lizzie can play together but I want her to stay small and snuggly. I'm still very selfish too. I've never heard anyone admit that before--I'm glad you did though because I just now admitted it ;) I'm still working on improvement in that area...
Spiritually I am a bit nervous for my ladies. It's a tough world out there. But like you, I feel certain that I will teach them what they need to know spiritually in order to make good choices and to become closer to Christ.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Francesca! Love you!
Don't buy new shoes yet!! Your feet will shrink back! At least mine did :)
Congrats! Your son is so sweet! I'm so happy for you!
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