I am in desperate need of advice for baby sleeping habits. It's causing some conflict between Justin and me because we have differing views, and we are trying to find a middle ground that works for both of us and especially for Caden. Here's the scoop:
Caden slept in the bassinet in our room for the first 6 weeks of his life. He woke up often to nurse, which I would do awake and then put him back down. This got exhausting. In Wisconsin I started putting him in bed next to me after nursing to limit my movement and awake time (once I'm awake, I take forever to fall back asleep). Once home, I tried nursing in the side-lying position in bed. I had tried it once before and couldn't get him to latch on right. This time it worked wonders: we both fell back asleep immediately, and that is how we became co-sleeping--more specifically, bed-sharing--parents.
As much as I love cuddling with my baby, I need space! No matter how far away I push him, he finds my armpit--yes, armpit--again and smacks, kicks, and chafes me in his sleep. A queen bed is only so big for 3 people, especially when the littlest one has an armpsan longer than a gorilla's. We want to transfer him to his crib now, at least for the first part of the night since he still nurses often and I don't want to walk a marathon every night.
Question #1: How do we teach him to sleep in his crib without letting him cry it out? Although I am not against it, I don't think it's the best way and I would rather try other methods first. Justin wants to do it, especially since our pediatrician suggested it (her oldest slept with them until kindergarten). Just today Justin and I compromised that Caden can sleep with us until he is six months and then I would do it Justin's way, so I have until then to figure something better out.
There's more: Caden likes to breastfeed to fall asleep. I don't mind except I can't do it all the time. It also makes him spit up more since he's eating when he's not hungry.
Question #2: How can I get him to fall asleep on his own when I can't breastfeed? He won't take a pacifier.
It doesn't end there. When I put him down once he's asleep, he usually wakes up. Lately I've been putting him in the swing in the off-mode, push it, and let it stop on its own. The problem is the swing is on loan and the owner is having her second baby in May. The past couple days I put Caden in the crib to get him accustomed to it, but he woke up after 20 minutes tops. If he falls asleep in the car, he wakes up about 10 minutes after we get home. As for nighttime, I'm starting to think that maybe most of the time he nurses at night for comfort, not for food. I would really like to stay asleep longer!
Question #3: How can I help Caden stay asleep? It's our biggest problem right now and solving it would help with the others, I think.
Finally, I am trying to get him on a schedule and find myself facing the above problems, making it difficult to establish a routine. I'm almost positive 10 a.m. should be his first nap time. His second depends on if he falls asleep at 10 or 11 and for how long (usually an hour, sometimes longer, lately shorter). He usually naps the longest (2 to 2 1/2 hours) around 3 or 4, but lately at 5, which pushes bedtime later. I want him in bed at 7:30, but with all our struggles it's been between 9:30 and 10:30.
Question #4: How can I get a consistent schedule with the above problems?
I know I'm asking a lot, so I really appreciate your help!
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13 comments:
Ultimately I think you will have to figure out what works for you. Everyone is comfortable with different things. We had to let James cry it out around the time he was 15 months. Up to that point we always rocked him to sleep. What forced our hand was our first car trip. It was to Idaho Falls 4 hours no problem right. He wouldn't sleep in the car at all! Instead he screamed because he couldn't fall asleep and he couldn't understand why we wouldn't rock him. We stopped and tried but he still wouldn't fall asleep. IT was the worst trip ever!
At that point James was also 18 lbs, and it started to kill our backs to walk him every night. We started to try some other sleep methods but ended up just having him cry it out. And we were lucky. It didn't take too many days, or ever more than a half an hour for him to figure it out.
No matter how long it takes, or how little having them cry it out sucks! It is the worst as a parent, but it really really helps them and you! As a parent I realized I was hindering his health and growing up by continuing to rock him so sleep so long. I won't do so with the next one.
I don't know how to help you with the breastfeeding problems because I never let James fall asleep eating, and we never co-slept. Though moving Caden into his own room/own space will probably help because I know James wakes up in the middle of the night and has to put himself back to sleep cause we don't really hear him. Caden is old enough now. In Union Square we had James sleeping in the kitchen. Now he has his own room.
Good luck! Just keep faith that you are his mother and know what is best for Caden more than anyone else does. Take whatever I or anyone else says with a grain of salt and decide for yourself what to do. :D
Ok, I have had all of these problems myself and I will tell you what I did and hope it helps.
#1 For Diego I had the same problem, he would not sleep in his crib at all and at about 6 months I was so sleep deprived and fed up with the situation I just let him cry it out with me in the room not picking him up. I would be right there by the crib patting his tummy or singing to him. I even brought a chair in to sit by the crib so I wouldn't have to stand up. Then I would do that for 2 or 3 days, then move a little further away from his crib every two or three days until you are out of the room completely. Just don't pick them up. It was really hard for the days I was doing it, but it worked. That solved my problem of getting him to sleep, but he would still get up one or two times in the night. I would feed him because I just wanted him to go back to sleep, but then he got really used to it and he is just now sleeping through the night and he is a year. It is because I have stopped breastfeeding him). If I could do it over, I would not feed him at night and just comfort him without picking him up. We finally had to do that to get him to sleep through the night.
#2 Sorry, Diego loved his pacificer so I don't know what to tell you there :(
#3I would say don't pick him up. For Diego, he just wanted to be with me in the night and picking him up and feeding him promoted bad sleeping habbits, meaning he did not know how to put him self to sleep and he couldn't teach himself cause I would pick him up. It is really hard and heartbreaking, but in the long run it is really good for the baby to learn to self soothe.
#4 I was really consistent with bedtime. At 7 I would do his last feed, burp him, pj's, read a book, sing a song, prayers and then 8 I turned off all the lights and put him in the crib. Because I was so consistent with bedtime, he just fell into a routine for naps, and I am a little more flexible with naps, but not with bedtime.
Hope this helps. I feel for you. Let me know how it goes.
Love you
I HIGHLY recommend the book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weisbluth. I've been able to check it out at the library in UT and in PA. He can be extreme at times, so take everything with a grain of salt, but we followed all of his suggestions and have a wonderful sleeper! Several of my siblings-in-law have used it with similar success.
I know it isn't easy to listen to a baby cry, but it is worth it in the end. We would set a timer so that we wouldn't have to watch the clock. It helped a lot.
I think the "let them cry it out" method depends on the temperament of your baby. It would never work with Scarlett because she is temperamentally easy. She just worked herself up more and more and would never fall asleep. If you do try this--put headphones on and don't take them off until the hour is up.
I also recommend Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. I read it and thought a lot of it was bologna at first--but I find myself doing a lot of things he suggests.
Everyone before I had Scarlett swore by "scheduling your baby". I thought they were crazy, but I took cues from Scarlett and she worked out her own schedule anyway. It changes every couple of months, but I let her guide me in what she wants to do. Routine helps a lot--always do the same things at night and eventually they get the hint that it's night night time. We do bath (you don't always have to lather them up--just let them play), lotion, feeding, singing and to bed.
Breastfed babies typically eat every 3 hours (Maybe every 2 on growth spurt day/s). I never nursed unless it had been that long. If she was upset otherwise (daytime or nighttime) I would try to soothe her other ways--rocking, swaddling, singing, and MP3 INSTRUMENTAL LULLABIES SAVED OUR SANITY. Also, when we'd pray that she'd have a good night's sleep, that's when she would actually sleep--not that it worked every time...
Scarlett didn't take a pacifier until ~4 months, try different kinds, but then again some babies just aren't into them.
This is just what worked for us and for our baby, and what's so hard is everybody is different and everybody's baby is different. But I would highly recommend moving Caden out of your bed ASAP if that's what you ultimately want--the longer you wait the harder it'll be for you and him.
P.S. I find nothing wrong with nursing them until they are tired, and if they fall asleep so be it. Just make sure to SLOWLY put them down and if they wake up don't nurse them back to sleep again. I swear I took 3 minutes to put Scarlett down when she was tiny.
I hope you find a solution that works for you and your little man!
First I agree with everyone else, find what works for you and what you feel comfortable with and take this advise and any other with a grain of salt. You know him best.
#1 Start by always having him nap in his crib. Maybe even have some play time in the crib with a mobile hanging above him or a mirror toy attached to the crib and you nearby. That way he gets used to his space. You can also try sleeping with a blanket of his for a couple nights and then wrapping him in it, that way it has your smell on it and is comforting for him. If you can establish a routine of things to do right before bed, I think he will have less anxiety about sleeping alone. Change his diaper, put him in pj's, sing a song and rock a little but not enough he falls asleep, and then put him down. You might have to let him cry for a little bit and slowly increase the time before you come to check on him again. So let him cry for 5 minutes, come in and soothe him with a song or something without picking him up, leave. If he cries more, wait 10 minutes, etc, etc..
#2 For us we always did things in this order; wake up, eat, play, sleep, repeat. That way he wasn't dependent on breastfeeding to fall asleep. Try shifting his routine so he plays for a while after eating then goes straight down for a nap or bed. It might also help to try having Justin soothe Caden when he wakes in the night, if you don't think he's hungry. That way he's not smelling and expecting milk with you right there.
#3 Try a white noise machine (can also help for problem #2). Just this past week we went to visit Curt's family and our plane got delayed, long story short Andrew was absolutely out of whack for a couple days and sooo exhausted. My mother in law pulled out a white noise machine and it really helped him relax and stay asleep. A lot of times Andrew will wake up and cry still, but all it is is frustration that he woke up. I usually give him 10 minutes or so to sort it out and then check on him.
#4 We read and followed Baby Wise's suggestions and they worked for us in creating a routine. I think if you're able to establish in what order things happen, Caden will know that it's nap time after playing. Also being consistent with bed and wake times. Andrew goes to bed at 7:30 as well and I get him up between 7-7:30 if he isn't already awake(98% of the time he's already awake and happy in his crib). That way your day starts at about the same time and naps occur at about the same time everyday. A key piece of advise we followed was to make sure he starts to wake up happy (I don't remember what age that's supposed to be, 4-6 months?). If he's cooing and making happy noise, he's well rested. If he wakes up screaming he needs more rest (typically).
I hope you can find something that works for you and helps everyone sleep better at night.
I have read them all - I do believe as Mom said that you don't cry blood- I am liking most of the comments and suggestions on here_DAD
Honestly, I don't have experience yet with a baby. But I've been reading a book that all my sisters have used for all their babies and all the things that you have addressed as problems this book addresses and helps. I think it's worth checking out and reading at least the first few chapters (they go over everything there). It might help. Good luck!
It's called "On becoming Baby Wise" by Ezzo and Buckham.
All my sisters used it and had their babies sleep through the night at around 6-8 weeks.
I hope that helps.
Ahh, the first child. Rule #1, stick to your guns. Your son is old enough now that he should nurse before bed, maybe once in the night, and then in the morning. You are right, he is doing it because he likes it and because you let him. Nurse him before bed. Burp him and rock him until he is nice and sleepy. Then before total knock out put him in his bed on his side a little and pat his little bum for a few seconds till he settles in. He will naturally roll onto his back later. If or should I say when he wakes up, let him fuss for a couple minutes, go in there, calm him, and walk back out. Then wait 5 min, then wait 10 min, then 15. Keep it at 15 till he wears himself out. One of two things will happen. It will work within a few nights or you will end up like my husband and I with our second baby. Sleeping with ear plugs and letting him work it out. Good luck getting your bed back.
PS- routine is key. Stick with the same bedtime and routine @ bedtime and that will help.
First of all, let me just start by saying this: Every baby is different! I had 3 amazing..easy..wonder babies and then Grayson came along. He's been so much harder and I've had to re-learn everything with him. But, he's not too bad at the sleeping thing.
Big question: Have you tried giving him a bottle? It will not make you less of a mother...I promise! And you can just pop it in his mouth, prop it up with a blanket and....magically they go right back to sleep (usually). This was the case with ALL 4 of my kids, so I'm pretty darn sure it works. (You can pump a few bottles in the day and have them ready for night time). When I nursed, I would fall asleep with him in bed with me and after awhile it #1 wasn't comfortable and #2 wasn't too safe for the baby.
Being a mom is such a tough job sometimes and you go into it thinking it will be hard, but you never realize JUST what it takes...BUT, as my mom always says "this too shall pass". And then you get to deal with toddlers...that's a whole 'nother ball game ;) We're almost to the teenage phase...Heaven please help us! Good luck!
I have read a few books on sleep, including Babywise and Happies Baby on the Block... I think reading a few books helps because it gives you some ideas to try, then you can figure out what you think works.
Here is what I do with Emily:
1. I swaddle her for her main afternoon nap and for nighttime sleep. Right now we are using mostly the Woombie because Emily likes to move her arms, and because she was getting to the point that she could work her way out of other swaddles. I love swaddling because otherwise she'll only sleep like 45 minutes at a time.
2. I don't let her sleep for long lengths of time during the day, and at night make sure all lights are out except one nightlight. This seems to be enough for Emily to know it is nighttime and to sleep longer stretches.
3. Emily sleeps in her own room. She was sleeping in a bouncer to help with reflux, but we have started her in her crib at night. To transition, I started giving her naps in the crib, or letting her lie in the crib. Now she is not afraid to be in it.
4. We are trying to put her to sleep slightly awake. I also feed right before bed (which I want to get away from in the future but it is not a priority) and in the process of putting her in her crib she usually wakes up again... I just shhhh her which provides some white noise right next to her and calms her... I also rub her tummy and talk to her, and this calms her down. Then I offer her the paci and sometimes she takes it. I would say that during the day she'll take it maybe 20% of the time but at bedtime she takes it probably 50% of the time. Not sure why.
5. We have an air purifier going in her room so the white noise helps her calm down.
6. Like another person mentioned, I have the same routine at night, and that includes her bedtime prayers, which of course include something about her being comfortable and me knowing how to comfort her. And for her to get enough sleep.
7. I am pretty strict with her afternoon nap (12:30-1pm she gets put down and MUST sleep) and nighttime (usually around 9-10pm but also is consistent and pretty non-negotiable). Other than that she takes catnaps if she is tired.
In the end, I have no idea which things have actually made a difference, but Emily has done 10 hour stretches without waking up and at worst woke up 4 times during the night but went back to sleep immediately 3 of those times, and was up an hour the 4th time. I know I have it better than most moms, but who knows how much of it is just due to Emily and how much is related to my parenting style.
Also, I am planning to use the modified "cry-it-out" method eventually, by letting her cry for 3, then 5, then 10 minutes at a time, and only going in to sooth with my voice and gentle massage.
Oh, and on Oprah there was this lady who said babies have a language, and when they do the "neh/meh/mah" cry they are hungry, whereas the "ah/owh" cry means tired. Does Caden do the neh cry in the middle of the night when he wakes up?
-Stacia
Baby sleeping problems are awful! We are currently going through them ourselves. You have to do what feels right but that does not mean it is not going to hurt. Henry was sleeping through the night 9-10 hours every night until a month before Christmas. He went through a growth spurt and started waking up once to feed at night. I had no problem with this until it had been about 2 months and he was still doing it. I could tell that he was not hungry but just nursing for comfort. I tried to do the soothing thing where I just stand by his crib and leave him in his crib and put get him back to sleep but he continued to wake up and expected me to come in and sooth him. So Mackay and I talked about it and decided to start letting him cry himself back to sleep. It has been really hard but worth it. Mackay and I are both feeling much better and Henry is starting to be our happy little boy again.
One thing that I have found that really helps him with not crying during the night is good naps during the day. I will often lay next to him on the couch until he goes to sleep for naps and then put him in his crib with four stuffed animals (he has nightmares without them.) I don't have specific times for him to sleep I just follow his cues for when he is tired. Good luck! I hope you can figure it out!
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